Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Home #decor warning.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.