I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
never compromise your values
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?