if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
When someone trying to leave me
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning