trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
my sentiments exactly
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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