[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry