ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.