When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
not seeing the problem
Mmmm canned fish.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”