Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.