In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Why I divorced her.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
channeling her this year
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,