Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
You Might Also Like
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
no cat here
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
yall want some gasoline milk
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.