If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.