I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Venn
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat