Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)