Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
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smartest karate player in the world
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)