I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.