Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.