[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.