Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
You Might Also Like
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Blew my mind.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006