I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
an airline just for babies.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.