My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN