I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
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“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
A drum solo but on your face.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?