My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I love you…
…r dog.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers