“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.