how many bears make up a bear minimum
You Might Also Like
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
B
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Oh deer
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
A woman drives into a bar.
😆this is so true
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive