MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You Might Also Like
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Nomnomnomnom
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.