Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]