My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified