*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Ha.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.