Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.