Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
You Might Also Like
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down