Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
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The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.