Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.