Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
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Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.