I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Don’t talk down to me
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Bike for sale
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*