Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Green is just blue that someone peed in
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..