Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
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Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
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 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
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