5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
early stone age tool
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.