My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.