Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
all that yoga finally paid off
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using