The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
*swipes right on my hand mirror
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.