Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
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TRAIN’S HERE
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”