Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery