[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
You Might Also Like
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.