Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.