I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
You Might Also Like
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.