That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
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It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
i can’t wait that long
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around