My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Noted.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better