There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
how was your vacation
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them