Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.