It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…